Up and down the country, office workers are putting together their Fantasy Premier League team today in preparation for the new season. Trying to figure out if Diego Costa’s dodgy hammy is going to play up again this year and whether Benteke will start notching; colleagues are resuming their bitter rivalries with one another in a bid to finish the season top of the pile.
Because I am obliged to write about marketing and media (although sometimes rather loosely) and not football – I am putting together my creative agency dream team. Here I’ll play recruiter supremo and shoehorn celebrities and historical figures into the perfect creative agency team.
Managing Director – Winston Churchill
A gifted leader and skilled orator, Churchill managed to inspire a nation through a war so would undoubtedly offer an imposing figure during team meetings and fire safety demonstrations. With his favourite Hine Brandy elegantly decanted in his mahogany-lined office; Churchill would only need to cough to ensure the chitter-chatter stopped and the creativity started.
Receptionist – Francisco Domingo Joaquim
If you’re looking for a winning smile from your receptionist – Francisco Domingo Joaquim, the owner of the world’s biggest mouth, is probably the perfect place to start. Beaming from ear-to-ear; Joaquim can keep guests entertained with his big mouth tricks before admitting them into Churchill’s office.
Head of Sales – Stevi Ritchie
Just pipping Jordon Belfort to the head of sales role; Stevi Ritchie managed to sell himself so successfully to the X Factors judges that they overlooked the fact he couldn’t sing and had eyes which drooped at a 145 degree angle to finish in the top six and secure a big pay day.
Business Development Manager – Thomas Edison
A classically vague corporate title; business development managers are traditionally ‘foot-in-door’ type folks. The role requires an almost limitless amount of persistence – never accepting failure or defeat. It took Edison more than 1,000 failed attempts to invent the lightbulb, but he got there in the end.
Senior Copywriter – Andrew Crofts
Flicking through the CVs of Hemingway, Joyce, Dickens and Tolstoy – none seemed quite right for the role. Their distinctive tones of voice may not be adaptable and versatile enough to write for a range of brands and platforms. Step forward ghostwriter extraordinaire, Andrew Crofts, who has penned ‘autobiographies’ for Victoria Beckham, Keith Richards, Jordan and more. The perfect man to adapt to a range of clients’ creative needs.
Junior Copywriter – R.L. Stine
Completing the more quantity-intense writing tasks; the author of hundreds of novels, R.L. Stine, is more than capable of handling the large workload. For periods of his career, Stine was publishing one novel every month – demonstrating the stamina required of a junior copywriter. Plus, he’ll always be on hand to create eye-catching titles such as Say Cheese and Die!
Social Media Manager – Jaden Smith
Will Smith’s karate-chopping son, Jaden Smith, is bonkers. Far from being another vacuous celebrity who says the right thing and provides perfect quotes for the press, Jaden Smith rarely makes sense when he opens his mouth or tweets. Here are just some of his bizarre tweets which would make him perfect for the social media manager role:
- How Can Mirrors Be Real If Our Eyes Aren’t Real
- There Is No Nutrients In Our Food Anymore Or In Our Soil OR IN OUR WATER.
- Trees Are Never Sad Look At Them Every Once In Awhile They’re Quite Beautiful.
- If Newborn Babies Could Speak They Would Be The Most Intelligent Beings On Planet Earth
As soon as he figures out capital letters he’ll be set.
Head of SEO – Ling Valentine
Breaking all the rules of the internet and website design, Lings Cars is pretty disgusting. Despite this, owner Ling Valentine has turned her car leasing business into a multi-million profit – ranking above more established and professional competitors.
Admittedly, I’ve picked Ling in an attempt to annoy the SEO guys here at Banc.
PPC Team – Carol Vorderman and Rachel Riley
I couldn’t choose between the two past and present Countdown stars, so I’ve made them into a two-person team. The Excel spreadsheets full of numbers, upon which PPC is built, would not faze these two. I’m sure they’d get on famously as well – making jokes about Susie Dent’s books and clothes when they should be working.
Work Experience Kid – Olly Murs
Not selected for his singing voice or tiresome cheeky Essex bloke routine; Olly Murs’ CV stood out thanks to his record-breaking tea-making abilities. Make us some tea Olly, and take off that daft sweater from around your shoulders and make us some tea.
Unfortunately, it is highly unlikely this dream team will ever come together. However, every member of the Banc Media team has been handpicked by Martin ‘Churchill’ Cozens, to provide exceptional SEO, PPC, CRO and content marketing products for our customers. If you are interested in any of our services, visit our homepage or call our dedicated team on 0345 459 0558.
Images sourced via Flickr Creative Commons. Credit: Cliff, El Hormiguero, vagueonthehow, Gage Skidmore